I think i've been lying to myself somewhat. Tonight was the 2nd time i felt so homesick i started crying. I didn't think that doing this "on my own" thing would take such a toll on me. I do like it here, the people are pretty cool, but most of the time it's pretty lonely. And while i like to think i'm okay being by myself sometimes, i really dislike it. One of my greatest fears is being alone, and sitting by myself pretty much every night sucks. Especially with no one to talk to since everyone's always out somewhere. I feel like i've lost my ability to talk cuz i hardly do it anymore. Like i'm trapped with only my thoughts. It was all so different back home, with so many people at Berkeley and with Harvard and Stanford just a quick phone call and drive away, i always had friends around me in one way or another. At school i had my bio friends and the reps. Here, everyone seems to be established with their friends already and, knowing how it takes me forever to open up to people, and it usually takes a certain kind of person to get me out of my shell, it's well, taking me a long time to find some sort of foundation of friends. That's one reason why i can't wait for Erin to move back here. I understand she'll be busy with work and her boyfriend, but at least I'll have someone around who understands me for the most part and knows me pretty well.
Things that i think detract me from establishing good solid friendships:
most of the people are from around here, have their own friends around, etc.
i live kinda far.
my cell phone is a cali area code
it's taking me forever, like usual, to open up to people.
i'm scared to try and do new things by myself (case in point, i really want to go on this ski/snowboarding trip with the irtas in january, but i'm scared if i'm the only one i know that's going (aside from ppl in the lbc and irtas i've met on the surface at things like happy hours, where people don't really remember me anyways)....part of me is saying to just do it and go, but part really wants someone else from the lbc there. i feel like i need to have a "buddy" sometimes to help me at first....it's kinda like the way i learn, i'd rather see someone else do a task first before i do it myself.
Heh, it took 4+ years to firmly feel who i consider to be in my "core group." And considering i'm only here for 2 years, i feel the need to speed up my opening-up rate to make friends with the little time i have here. It's just so damn hard. And things are different....the social situations i find myself in are completely different from what i did at school...there's no being dorks and playing board games in a person's apartment, it's usually at some bar drinking beer (which i still hate) and talking...which is fine, but i miss the comfort of just "hanging out." even shopping i've been mostly doing by myself, and i feel so weird walking around the mall with no one to talk to about things. situations like that really exacerbate the lonliness, seeing groups of friends shopping together or couples looking at things.
heh, this really is a journey of self-discovery, isn't it.
Things that i think detract me from establishing good solid friendships:
most of the people are from around here, have their own friends around, etc.
i live kinda far.
my cell phone is a cali area code
it's taking me forever, like usual, to open up to people.
i'm scared to try and do new things by myself (case in point, i really want to go on this ski/snowboarding trip with the irtas in january, but i'm scared if i'm the only one i know that's going (aside from ppl in the lbc and irtas i've met on the surface at things like happy hours, where people don't really remember me anyways)....part of me is saying to just do it and go, but part really wants someone else from the lbc there. i feel like i need to have a "buddy" sometimes to help me at first....it's kinda like the way i learn, i'd rather see someone else do a task first before i do it myself.
Heh, it took 4+ years to firmly feel who i consider to be in my "core group." And considering i'm only here for 2 years, i feel the need to speed up my opening-up rate to make friends with the little time i have here. It's just so damn hard. And things are different....the social situations i find myself in are completely different from what i did at school...there's no being dorks and playing board games in a person's apartment, it's usually at some bar drinking beer (which i still hate) and talking...which is fine, but i miss the comfort of just "hanging out." even shopping i've been mostly doing by myself, and i feel so weird walking around the mall with no one to talk to about things. situations like that really exacerbate the lonliness, seeing groups of friends shopping together or couples looking at things.
heh, this really is a journey of self-discovery, isn't it.
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