i just saw this on walid's profile and i just thought, damn, this is SO how i feel right now (and for the last 6 months...6 months!?):
"so what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
suddenly just stops noticing you
and it seems they haven't got a clue
of the pain that rejection is putting you through
do you cling to your pride and sing "i will survive"
do you hold on in vain as they as they just slip away
Well, I guess I'm trying to be
Non-chalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality
I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually, I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that that I'm suffering
So, I wear my disguise
'Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry"
I don't know where it's from though!
Argh, i hate being weak...my head knows i should be so much stronger than this, but all my heart feels is hate (->anger->pain->suffering!) and despair. it's been almost 6 months already and i honestly don't know if i'm any better. is it blind stupidity? blind love? fear of reality, i don't know. i just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and have the past 6 months disappear into oblivion, along with my sadness and jealousy. but alas, the nightmare is real, and i'm just flailing about aimlessly.
oh how f***kin weak, isn't it. be strong! do i want pity? sympathy? to an extent, i guess. but i also think i don't want to be someone with all this emotional baggage. hehe, no one would want me then, ne? (dammit he says "ne"...) my head knows all this. i'm wasting my time, he's not worth it, i could find someone soo much better, etc., etc....it's just so freakin hard to let go of the happiness and attachment, i suppose. think of the bad things? all the crap i've been through? i guess so. i'm being blind again huh, thinking "oh, i love him so much i put that all aside." to feel great for 10 minutes and crap the other 23h 50 mins of the day? yeah i know it's not worth it....
among other things...hopefully if i get picked for this one jury i'll be done by friday, i'm not getting my hopes up though...and i talked very little, but maybe i'll be a little more comfortable tomorrow...being a juror is tough! it's so difficult trying to keep your attention going and not spacing out...especially after seeing how monotonous the setting is. so much wood and mundane lighting and uncomfortable benches. but the first day wasn't so bad.
"so what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
suddenly just stops noticing you
and it seems they haven't got a clue
of the pain that rejection is putting you through
do you cling to your pride and sing "i will survive"
do you hold on in vain as they as they just slip away
Well, I guess I'm trying to be
Non-chalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality
I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually, I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that that I'm suffering
So, I wear my disguise
'Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry"
I don't know where it's from though!
Argh, i hate being weak...my head knows i should be so much stronger than this, but all my heart feels is hate (->anger->pain->suffering!) and despair. it's been almost 6 months already and i honestly don't know if i'm any better. is it blind stupidity? blind love? fear of reality, i don't know. i just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and have the past 6 months disappear into oblivion, along with my sadness and jealousy. but alas, the nightmare is real, and i'm just flailing about aimlessly.
oh how f***kin weak, isn't it. be strong! do i want pity? sympathy? to an extent, i guess. but i also think i don't want to be someone with all this emotional baggage. hehe, no one would want me then, ne? (dammit he says "ne"...) my head knows all this. i'm wasting my time, he's not worth it, i could find someone soo much better, etc., etc....it's just so freakin hard to let go of the happiness and attachment, i suppose. think of the bad things? all the crap i've been through? i guess so. i'm being blind again huh, thinking "oh, i love him so much i put that all aside." to feel great for 10 minutes and crap the other 23h 50 mins of the day? yeah i know it's not worth it....
among other things...hopefully if i get picked for this one jury i'll be done by friday, i'm not getting my hopes up though...and i talked very little, but maybe i'll be a little more comfortable tomorrow...being a juror is tough! it's so difficult trying to keep your attention going and not spacing out...especially after seeing how monotonous the setting is. so much wood and mundane lighting and uncomfortable benches. but the first day wasn't so bad.
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